Sunspot Conspiracy Theory

Bonkers conspiracy theory no. 583

I was watching a programme the other night about sunspots, and solar flares, and corona mass emissions; apparently our modern society, so heavily dependent on technology, could be crushed by a wave of magnetic disturbance. Indeed, a sufficiently large emission would bathe the planet with high-energy rays, causing widespread genetic damage and blindness.

This would be a global disaster. We could build a huge parasol, I suppose; but that would cause problems of its own (ice age, crop failure). A more sensible idea would be to prepare some kind of spacecraft to help people escape; but then again, this would take months to organise when we would probably have little more than a day to take action.

Then I thought: why not build a bunker – like the pyramids? Set up a big underground shelter where people could be led to safety. You could install some kind of expensive research equipment, such as a particle accelerator, so that only the most intelligent people would be granted access.

Well, it turns out that at CERN there is an LGBT social group which has been putting up fairly innocent posters inviting people to coffee mornings and such like. And recently these posters have been removed, or defaced with offensive graffiti, which is strange considering the place is such an intellectual powerhouse. Perhaps the LGBT members are making remarkable progress towards the next big breakthrough, which has annoyed their colleagues. Or perhaps everybody down there knows that the real purpose of CERN is to preserve the stock that will repopulate the planet following the solar wipeout; and some people are resentful that this sanctuary is being offered to non-breeders.

Yeah, it’s a daft idea; but we’ve tried all the sensible ones, and where did they get us?

 

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